I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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