Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
