I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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