i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
