I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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