she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Holy sore nipples Batman
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
