I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well I just put wine in my tea
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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