my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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