The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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