I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
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