he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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