so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
