Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
