dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
