really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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