Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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