I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
