she was so not down for the gang bang
two words: eviction party
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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