ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
