obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
