shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
