I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
