A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
