I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
