If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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