I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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