I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
