In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize