A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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