haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
dude. I can hear the air.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
