3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
