My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Watching her eat just hurts me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
