Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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