Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
