I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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