I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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