do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize