You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize