Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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