My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
