One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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