Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I see more hoeing in ur future
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize