yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
