My hand turned me down
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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