After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
