I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
