Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
