i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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