Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
