how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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