my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
