i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
