Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
