im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize