Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize