2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
