So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
