She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
