Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
