I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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