please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
