He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
