The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize